Whats the most handiest tool ever?

A Hand!

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Whats the difference between a zippo and a hippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Hows your incontinence?

Depends."

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How did Helen Keller break her hands?

Reading road signs at 30 MPH

What do you do if a girl sits on your hand?

Try to get her off!