What "c word" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any?

Carpaltunnel

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How old is your girlfriend?

She's52" "Haha, dude, she could be your mom!" "Yeah, actually it's yours"

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

50 pounds.

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What's my type?

Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.

What's the best language to describe the hectic holiday shopping season?

A: Russian