Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.

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What's the difference between a green lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a green lentil on my face.

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha- glares at wife I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

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What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?

About 3 pounds, including the urn.

What is the proper weight for a lawyer?

About 3 pounds .......not counting the urn!