Why is Chuck Norris still alive?

Credit: Saw the comment in this 1:55

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Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

How do you get even with Hellen Keller?

Comment your favorite Hellen Keller jokes) How do you get even with Hellen Keller Leave the plunger in the toilet

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How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.

Why are blondes bad a judging distance?

They have no idea what 12 inches actually looks like. I for some reason could not find a way to phrase this any better. Credit to my coworker.

Chuck Norris Jokes More Chuck Norris Jokes

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Just one. From Chuck Norris.

Why do all Pirates wear eye patches?

Chuck Norris.