Credit Jokes

Why was the note denied alcohol?

Because it was A Minor.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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What do Elton John and the Berlin wall have in common?

A lot of young men went over it. And they would cowardly get shot from the back.

This joke may have profanity.

What does Pikachu say when he puts too much salsa on his food?

PIKA PIKA PIKA (Credit to my 5 year old son)

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund. credit to (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

Two kilomockingbirds (credit goes to my old physics book)

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to take credit for it.

How is credit like cocaine?

Everyone just needs 1 more line.

Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?

Because you know he is actually guilty. Credit to for the joke!

How is Game of Thrones going to end?

With fade out and to credits.

What do you call a nut that can't talk?

Nutin special. Credit to my 8 year old daughter who made that one up.

What do Ted Cruz and a tenage girl's bedroom have in common?

Credit to

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive?

A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names. Credit to my dad.

What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one

What do ISIS and cats have in common?

They're both a bunch of pussies. Credit to Stephen Colbert.

This joke may have profanity.

What did one orphan said to the other?

Robin, get in the batmobile! (credits to )

Why did Eric Clapton make the switch from PC to Apple?

Well because he had a horrible experience with windows. (credit to Neil Hamburger for this amazing joke)

What's a cheetah's favorite food?

Fast Food!!! ... I'll see myself out. Credit goes to Safari Animals Oatmeal by Quaker.

How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you'll see in a while, the other you'll see later. Credit to Mitch hedburg

How do you get pickled bread?

With dill-dough. Credit goes to a J. Cain

What did Groot say when he had amnesia?

Am I Groot? (Credit to my 7year old son)

Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.

Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

Because there are already too many targets. (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)

Why is Windows going from 8 to 10?

Because 7 ate 9. Credit to a guy I work with.

What do you call ice cream that robs a bank?

Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.

Why are atoms untrustworthy?

They make up everything. Credit to from an askreddit thread about what not to trust.

Why do golfers bring an spare change of pants?

Just in case they get a hole in one. Credit to

How long do you need to put the turkey in the oven for?

Mine was dead within 30 minutes (credit goes to my Grandma)

How does the drug addict know the cocaine is good quality?

He just nose. All credit to my BFF

How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?

It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.

What do you call a corn cob on a track team?

A maize runner. Credit goes to my girlfriend.

Where are the cleanest bathrooms on college campuses?

The women's bathrooms in the engineering building. Credit to

What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals ?

The Lakers . (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals. ) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke .

What is the definition of a farmer?

Someone who is outstanding in his field. Credit: Laffy Taffy

What did the diva with Alzheimer's disease say?

credit to one of the writers from Bob's Burgers).

Why do Gypsy's walk funny?

Because of their Crystal Balls EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone's posted this before my mum's sister emailed her from across the globe.(New Zealand) I laughed so hard I thought I'd put it here. Credit goes to my Mum's sister though.

How are teenaged boys like the enzyme helicase?

They both want to unzip your genes! credit goes to Hank from CrashCourse on Youtube :)

What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow?

He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.

Why is Chuck Norris still alive?

Credit: Saw the comment in this 1:55

How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.

What was the aardvark's favorite Lady Gaga song?

Just Ants. Credit: My friend, the PUNisher.

What's more impressive than the talking dragon?

A spelling bee. Credit goes to a cheesestick wrapper!

Why were they called the dark ages?

Because there were so many knights! Credit: watching Mr. D on Netflix

What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes?

A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk Credit to my Autistic Big Bro

What do you get when you mix chocolate milk and cocaine?

Ovalsheen. Credit goes to my cousin on this one.

Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

What's Hillary's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures Edit: credit to Joe Biggs rambobiggs

What do you call a three humped camel?

Pregnant. (Credit goes to the trailer of Zootopia)

Why did the orange go to the doctor?

Because she wasn't peeling very well... All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here

How many stormtroopers does it take to change a glowpanel?

2. One to change it, and another to shoot him and take the credit.

How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter?

9 3/4 *Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw. I'm not that witty.*

Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?

OC It was an obvious faux paw. Credit: My wife's a dork.

What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit?

Johnny Cash.

Why is the man only left with 30?

Credit to Bo Burnham.

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling very well. Credit to my four year old niece.

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.

Why didn't they just call "Ant-Man" Uncle?

Credit to Steve Higgins from The Tonight Show.

What did Drake Bell say to Batman?

Sorry, still calling you Bruce! I found this on Facebook somewhere; I dunno who to get credit to.

What did the sister cell say to her sister cell when she stepped on her foot?

Ow Mytosis! Credits to Amanda Damiani

What do you call a mythical milkshake?

Legendairy (credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)

Why is a room of 50 doctors safer than a room with 1000 doctors?

You can't survive in 1000 degrees. *credit to my friend Neriah.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?

Because it **soots** him. Credit: Curious: The Tourist Guide

When can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire (Credit to Kevin Hart)

How many redditers does it take to change a light bulb?

3. One to screw it in, the next to claim credit and the third to be a bot that reposts.

How do you shoot a unique deer?

You-neak up on it and shoot it. Credit: Grandpa Clifford

What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions?

A Humblebee.

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist's Guide

Why did the lizard use viagra?

He had a reptile dysfunction! Credit goes to Gilbert Gottfried

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesarus (Credit goes to whoever submitted that to the Coffee News)

Where does he get off?

credit to Hampton Yount)

Why are the Greeks so in debt?

They demand credit for everything

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud Credit to my 5 year old nephew

How many suh boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, its already lit fam. I cannot take credit for this due to being told this joke by a freind. He was in fact lit af.

What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)

What is a traitor?

A tray shaped dinosaur. Credits go to the wife for that one! She still giggles when she tells it.

Why are blondes bad a judging distance?

They have no idea what 12 inches actually looks like. I for some reason could not find a way to phrase this any better. Credit to my coworker.

What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble?

Doctors without Borders. Credit to Max Scoville.

Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?

They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

Why is Karl Marx credited in so many movies?

OC) Because he wrote the Rom-Communist Manifesto.

What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community?

That's a reservation reservation reservation. (Credit to Brian Regan)

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.

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Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Change it to what

How many Brazilians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One Brazillion.

Ceremony Jokes More Ceremony Jokes

What is the worst joke you have ever Heard?

I'll start it off: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?

They wanted to give credit where credit was due.

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?

This one will sleigh you !

Why do I not laugh at your jokes anymore?

Because I've "reddit" before

Light Bulb Jokes More Light Bulb Jokes

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not 8

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

5 Year Old Jokes More 5 Year Old Jokes

What do the Scottish people call iPhone?

A: an AYE-Phone. (Joke brought to you by a 5 year old)

Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven't had my coffee. Me: You've never had coffee. 5-year-old: Exactly.

Prison Jokes More Prison Jokes

What's concurrency?

Fake money they use in prisons.

What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?

A year in prison if there's any justice.

1 Jokes More 1 Jokes

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

What is a horses number 1 priority when voting?

A stable economy

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A. The thought had never entered his head before.

What did you think of the chapter on frogs?

Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.