How does Tom Brady like his soda?

Flat.

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Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

Where do ISIS fighters go to purchase soda and candy?

Allahu snackbar!

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What did the police officer say to Tom Brady during a routine traffic stop?

Your tires are low.

What's the difference between Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger?

Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.