What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice...

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What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine won't follow you around after you dump your load in it.

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."