What does toilet paper and office paper have in common?

You can write on both of them with a No. 2

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What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, I already told her twice.

What are you doing today?

2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.

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What happens to Stephen Hawking when he stops laughing?

He writes scary stories.

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.