What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond?

He had him newt-ered.

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What happened to you?

the doctor asks. "I stepped on something."

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

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What do you call it when your lizard doesn't know how to use the internet?

e-reptile dysfunction

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!