When people say 'oh, you're still single?

I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married ' I'm popular.

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How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

You ask them to pronounce unionize.

What do you call a large group of people who spit on others?

The Salivation Army.

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Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math?

Because he likes to Count.

Who doesn't like a hot date?

A necrophiliac.

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What exactly is going on?

I asked. He replied, "A Major engineering feet."

How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?

He replied... ...It's hard