Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?

He's snowed in.

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How hard do you think Joe Biden laughs when a senate's bill gets 69 votes?

I bet he has to leave the room.

What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?

I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.

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Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house?

because he has gnocchi

Why didn't the Smurfs fit in the house?

There wasn't mushroom.

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Why does salt melt snow?

Because when your salty you melt down in tears.

Why shouldn't you get asylum in Russia?

Cuz you'd be snowed-in