How does an Australian shave?

Rise up lights

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What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?

Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.

What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head ?

A tiger moth !

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How does an Australian shave?

Rise up lights

Why did the bad demon burn after finding the length it took to rise diagonally from hell?

cos' sin tans

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What do Australians say when they go to bed?

G'night mate

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?

You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry