What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

You have diafetus

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Where is your wife ?

In the garden. -But I don't see her. -Oh, you just have to dig a little.

How can I buy the New York Times?

He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

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Who took my username?

When I find you, well, you'll be sorry!

Why did the banana go out with the prune?

Because he couldn't find a date.