What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

An Opti-Mystic.

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How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?

He has to grin and bare it.

What do you have when life gives you melons?

Dyslexia.

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Where do witches and wizards shop?

Voldemart.

Why couldn't the wizard get the witch pregnant?

He had a hollow-weenie