What do you call playing chess against yourself?

Chessturbation.

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Why... Can't illegal US immigrants play Uno?

Because they keep stealing all the Green Cards

What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of midgets playing chess?

The latter is a group of cunning runts.

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Why don't I play chess with the Prodigy?

they smack my bishop

Why are Americans bad at chess?

They lost two towers