What do you tell a person with two swollen eyes ?

Nothing, you already told 'em twice.

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What do you call a person who is outside a door and has no arms nor legs?

Matt

What do you call a person that worships NASCAR?

A racist!

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How can I buy the New York Times?

He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?

He's out standing in his field

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How many cuckolds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Somebody else does the screwing for 'em.

How many debutants can you fit in ballroom at the Waldorf Astoria?

OC Like, a cotillion of 'em.