Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke?

They don't find them Hume-erous.

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Who did the crocodiles call when they found one of their own dead?

The investiGATOR

What's good for the soul and rarely found in America?

A sense of humor.

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How can you tell when a vampire is sick?

By his coffin!

What did the calculus teacher tell the crew of his submarine while they were diving?

Derive, derive, derive!

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What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes, but you can't pee soup. (sorry sorry. Really. I've loved this joke since I was... oh.. six...)

Why doesn't Nigel Farage like election forecasts?

He dislikes poles polls How do you type jokes that rely on similar sounding words It hard :(

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How do you get someone with a doctorate in philosophy to leave your house?

Just pay for your pizza.

What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac?

Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one