What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints?

With a track-tor!

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How did Helen Keller lose her arm?

Trying to read the road signs!!!

What did Jesus do to lose weight?

Crossfit

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Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for another 15 years.

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What's the best way to kick a habit today (day after Thanksgiving)?

Cold turkey.

What's the best way to accelerate a Mac?

A: 9.81 m/s2