Lose Jokes

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Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one?

A retail store.

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What does a dog do when it loses it's tail?

Goes to a retail store to find another one.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

What did Hillary say when she lost?

Putin end to my life.

How are new marriages just like LOST?

The Significant Others just want babies.

What do you call a grandma that know martial arts?

A grandmartial artist. I apologise for any lost brain cells.

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan?

The Pirates always lose.

What do a tornado and a divorce in the South have in common?

Someone is losing their trailer..

Why did my local sandwich shop lose all of its workers??

I was told they were sick of being subordinates.

Why did Russia lose the race?

Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)

How do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

What would Paul McCartney say after losing both his legs?

Suddenly....I'm not half the man I used to be....."

What's worse than losing one arm?

Losing both your arms.

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

Why did the aquarium have an existential crisis when the dolphins were released to the wild?

It lost its porpoise.

What's the only thing you can say when the Chinese Restaurant over booked your reservation?

Welp. You dim sum, you lose some

What do you call a slightly incomplete Yahtzee set?

Pair o' Dice Lost"

Who lose in the presidential debate?

American.

Who lost the presidential debate?

We Americans

Who lost the American Presidential Debate?

America.

Where are the Atlantis and the lost treasures of many renowned pirates?

Nobody knows.It's a well kept seacret.

What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands?

I literally can't even."

Why did the doctor make an old woman cry?

He lost his patients

How are children like cellphones?

If youve lost one and havent found it in a couple days, chances are its probably dead.

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!

What do you call LeVar Burton that survived months of being lost in the wilderness?

Geordi La Forage

Why are Americans bad at chess?

They lost two towers

Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

She got hit by a bus. Why did Sally fall off the swing? She lost her arms when she was hit by a bus. Why did Sally not get back on the swing? She also lost her legs. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for Christmas? I don't know, she couldn't open it.

What did the sarcastic taximan say when he lost his job?

Oh well that's just uber, isn't it

Why is the alphabet of a pirate incomplete ?

Because they lost an I.

Why was the 45 year old businessman losing his hair?

He has cancer.

What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job?

You had one job.

What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?

He became a quack head

Which is the quickest way to make someone lose?

The game.

Where do lions go if they lose their tails ?

To the re-tail store. :D

Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

Why did Germany lose WW2?

Three Reichs and you're out

What happened when Honey Boo Boo's mom lost 120 pounds?

An amber alert was issued

Why do people with heart disease always lose at poker?

They have to take ACE inhibitors.

Why was the lion alone and disheartened?

He lost his pride in a bet

How did Jared lose 40lbs?

He dumped his girlfriend.

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Why won't bankers go to the opera?

Because they quickly lose interest

Who did E.coli call after it lost a fight in school?

Broccoli

What do you do when you lose your Kia car?

You go Soul-searching.

What's the difference between a gambler and a Kasich supporter?

A gambler might lose.

How does a crackhead lose weight?

Diet Coke.

Why did Mike Dukakis lose the 1998 Presidential election?

He TANKED his campaign!

Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

because they get lost at C!

Who loses?

America.

What do you call a lost Asian man?

Disoriental

Why did the marijuana addict lose the race?

He was running on fumes.

What did the Puerto Rican dish say when he lost his Android?

Where'd mofongo?

Why was the little boy speaking gibberish?

Because he lost his marbles.

What's the difference between the stock market and women?

With the stock market you can only lose when you pull out.

Why did Michael Jackson always lose in a race?

Because he always came in a lil behind.

Who loses in a basketball game between two Vietnamese guys?

No one... its Nguyen Nguyen!

Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny?

Because they are always losing pounds.

What do you call a drummer who has lost one of his drumsticks?

A conductor.

Why did the double arm amputee unsubscribe from r/jokes?

He lost his sense of humerus.

What do you call a cab driver who lost his brakes?

A screwdriver

Why was the juice company losing customers?

There was no punch-line.

Why is 'The Game' the most powerful rapper?

Because you lose every time you talk about him ( )

How did Jesus lose his virginity?

When he was nailed on the cross.

What happened to the concussed gravedigger?

He lost the plot.

Why did the dolphin run away from home to start a new life?

He felt he had lost his sense of porpoise.

Why was Santa in the asylum?

He lost his SANTAty

What muscle do Egyptian soldiers generally lose control of, shortly before major battles?

The sphinxster ....

Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost?

He got lost in the maize.

Why did Heisenberg remove the speedometer from his car?

So he would stop getting lost everything he checked it.

What do you call a nun that is lost?

A Roamin' Catholic

Why did Verizon's mailman get fired?

He was losing packets.

What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common?

They both lost their pop.

What did the Mtis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?

They though it was Riel funny!

What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?

Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!

What do you call a Korean girl, who lost her virginity at a young age?

Sum-Young Ho

Why was the fruit farmer losing money?

He couldn't grow a pear

Why did Gandhi lose the race?

I guess he got his fasts mixed up.

Why did Christopher Reeve lose the debate?

Because his arguments against scrutiny.

Why did the mortgage broker go out of business?

Because he lost interest.

Why did the short guy lose the basketball game?

Because he four feet.

How did Jared lose 150lbs?

He kicked two 7-year-olds out of his bed.

Why did the lion lose at poker?

He was playing with a cheetah.

Why can't Redditors lose their virginity?

They can never get further than the tip!

Why is an Alabama divorce like a tornado?

One way or the other someone is losing a trailer.

What do you give a losing horse with lockjaw?

A new jaw-key

What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?

Blacking out and gaining money.

How did Helen Keller lose her arm?

Trying to read the road signs!!!

Why did Ayn Rand lose the pool tournament?

She wouldn't play on a regulation size table

What is the best way to lose money?

A: Lend it to Greece.

What's the worst way to lose your job?

By firing squad.

Why don't turkey vultures ever lose their luggage?

They only ...

Why does the army want to only recruit married men?

Because they don't want a man lost!

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton never lost a bag of coke out the window.

What happens to a legend's career when he loses his leg?

It ends.

What do you call a tree that lost its family in a forrest fire?

Mourning wood

Why is a redneck wedding and a tornado alike?

Because either way someone is losing a trailer.

How do you lose 30 pounds in 1 Minute?

Go to England and buy something

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How do they cook a turkey in Russia?

They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!

What does it take to be a president of Russia?

Be a Viktor, then you are Devinitely In

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What did the baker say about her co-worker who never sleeps and always smells funky?

At yeast he's a fungi.

What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?

An immigrant.**

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

How did the jury find the hamburger?

Grill-ty as charred!

What Pokemon can you find at Auschwitz?

Gastly

Open Jokes More Open Jokes

What does a gift and a black man have in common?

White children get immense joy after tearing one open

What did the redditor say when he opened his package from the UniBomber?

Wow, I did not expect this post to blow up

Kansas Jokes More Kansas Jokes

What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists?

Baryon my wayward son!

What's the inverse of Kansas?

Arkansas

Pirate Jokes More Pirate Jokes

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin' hat.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrr!

Air Conditioner Jokes More Air Conditioner Jokes

What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug?

A: It loses its cool.

What do computers and air conditioners have in common?

Neither work when you open windows.

Presidential Debate Jokes More Presidential Debate Jokes

Who lost the presidential debate?

We Americans

Who lose in the presidential debate?

American.