Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it's two gross! (A gross is a measurement unit for "144". So 2 * 144 = 288. Or "two gross".)

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Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ?

Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?

You can hear their brooms tick!

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What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?

Gloves! Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.

Where did the joke wait to get a drink?

The punch line...

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What's the difference between the number 3 and David Cameron?

One's a prime number, the other's a prime minister.

What's a horse's number one priority when voting?

A stable economy...

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Why does Neville Longbottom like herbology so much?

Because his parents are vegetables.

How do I know he was French, do you ask?

He went oui, oui.

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Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer?

Black Red or Iced Iced Ink Well yes you do but I didn't want to mention it.

Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor?

He never mentions "on the other hand"