Why was the whistleblower late for his annual winter whistleblower's convention?

Because he was Snowden!

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What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard?

Nothing, he's Snowden.

Why is Edward still in Russia?

He's Snowden.

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Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year?

It didn't Snowden.

Why couldn't the whistleblower pick up his dry-cleaning?

Because he was Snowden! (Snowed in)