How does a psychic cokehead tell the future?

With a magic 8-ball

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What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?

A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?

They both have Sandy Claws.

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Why are women such bad drivers?

Because they are constantly lied to about what 8" is.

Why is Microsoft going straight to Windows 10?

Because 7.. 8.. 9

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What do you call a Mexican who can see into the future?

Cristobal

What do you call an acid trip so hard that it gives you visions of the future?

Psychic-delic.