Why can't the NSA leaker leave Russia?

Because he's Snow'd-in!

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What did the suicidal college student say to his room mate?

Dont leave me hangin' bro

What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave?

Namaste

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Why didn't Russia return the NSA whistleblower to the United States?

He was Snowden.

Why did Russia close all of its airports?

The planes were stalin.

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Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Russia?

He was snowed in.

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.