How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?

Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets

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Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

Hate Jokes More Hate Jokes

What are the two words men hate most unless used together?

Don't Stop

What do you call a tree that hates this joke?

A face palm.

Second Jokes More Second Jokes

How long does it take for a Homeless man's stomach to be full?

A couple of seconds.

What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot?

Second Caribou: Micky Moth!

Write Jokes More Write Jokes

Who wrote "The Open Kimono"?

Seymour Hare.

What do Lady Gaga and E. L. James have in common?

They both wrote bad romance.

Waste Jokes More Waste Jokes

How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Why fart and waste it?

When you can burp and taste it.

Tweet Jokes More Tweet Jokes

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

What's in a tweet?

That which you call your bowel movement, by any other tweet is still an odious hot mess.