Why would I want to talk to your baby?

On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

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Want Jokes More Want Jokes

What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson' Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald

What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES! Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast

Talk Jokes More Talk Jokes

Why are chemists such whores?

They keep talking about their nitrates

Why did the pony have such a hard time talking?

He was a little horse

Baby Jokes More Baby Jokes

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack?

The babies in my nutsack are still living.

Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle. (X-post from r/dadjokes)

Phone Jokes More Phone Jokes

Why can't two jealous people talk on the phone together?

It is always an insecure line!

What's your phone number?

looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker....

Husband Jokes More Husband Jokes

When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

What do you call a Blonde in the dirt?

Her name was Cindy she had a husband and 2 children