How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

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Save Jokes More Save Jokes

How'd you die?

I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?

It was legend dairy.

Puppy Jokes More Puppy Jokes

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Why did Ellen Pao punch the puppy?

Cause shes terrible.

Fire Jokes More Fire Jokes

What do you call a drug factory that catches fire?

A pot roast

Why did Tim Cook fire an unpaid intern lately?

His name was Jack

Enjoy Jokes More Enjoy Jokes

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do you do to relax?

I enjoy people watching. - The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower. - I know.

Litter Jokes More Litter Jokes

Why did the mother cat pick up her kittens?

She didn't want to litter

Why did the cat give birth at the park?

Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"

Flashback Jokes More Flashback Jokes

How'd the date go?

Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.

Why's the couch smell like pee?

Flashback to me watching The Ring alone Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."

Rollercoaster Jokes More Rollercoaster Jokes

How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

What did Napoleon say on the rollercoaster?

Ouiiiiiiii!