Puppy Jokes

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

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What do you call a puppy with autism?

aww-tistic

What did the gold say when it saw the puppy?

Au.

What's the best part about getting a puppy?

Getting new shoes every week.

What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn?

Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.

Why did Ellen Pao punch the puppy?

Cause shes terrible.

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

Where do puppies go when they die?

Back into the microwave so I can get in another round.

What do you call a puppy in the desert?

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

How do you unload a truck load of puppies?

With a pitchfork

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

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How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?

A: RUFF!

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?

Because they mess up the whole house !

What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?

A puppy.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?

If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.

What if I see a puppy?

What if my house burns down

What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree?

A puppy nailed to 7 trees.

How about an office party?

ME: crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies" I guess

What do you call a puppy combined with bread?

Well, It's not a purebread anymore.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was a puppy!

What do you call a puppy with a camera?

A furtographer

What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow?

Slush Puppies

What did the puppy say when it sat on sandpaper?

Ruff

When she asks "is that your puppy?

say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?

Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her

How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever?

You stop feeding it.

What do you call someone who molests puppies and kittens?

A Petophile

How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out

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7 Jokes More 7 Jokes

Why is the next Windows version 10 and not 9?

Because 7 ate(8) 9!

What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9?

I can't even...

Love Jokes More Love Jokes

Why do some people love their VW diesel cars?

Well, it's the official car of the New England Patriots after all.

What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Host Jokes More Host Jokes

Why don't Canadians do well on Wheel of Fortune?

Because the host gets confused when they say "I'd to buy a vowel eh."

What do you call an immoral lesbian citizen of Rivendell who hosts a talk-variety show and lacks character?

An elven degenerate.

Litter Jokes More Litter Jokes

Why did the mother cat pick up her kittens?

She didn't want to litter

How long have you had this problem?

the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Whatever's the matter ?

asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

Which dinosaur knew... Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?

A: The thesaurus.

Whine Jokes More Whine Jokes

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly?

The Millenial Falcon.

Snow Jokes More Snow Jokes

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints.

What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow?

Slush Puppies

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

What is 10 years with me?

Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second

Why was the Robot angry at the engineer?

Because he screwed his wife!