What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

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Scratch Jokes More Scratch Jokes

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?

Scratching at the inside of her coffin. Courtesy of my dad.

What is the difference between a dog and a viola?

A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Scream Jokes More Scream Jokes

Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!

What's the difference between a cigarette and my exwife?

Cigarettes don't scream when they're burning.

Today Jokes More Today Jokes

How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

What does the internet need to take when its constipated?

Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today

Coffin Jokes More Coffin Jokes

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

With a coffin, the dead person is on the inside.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?

They start coffin.

George Washington Jokes More George Washington Jokes

What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas?

As little as possible dummy!

What's George Washington's least favorite flower?

Lie-lacs!