What animal do I respect most?

The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

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Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What's worse than the Holocaust?

Winning the jackpot in two separate lotteries at the same time.

What time was it when Jared got fired?

When the big hand touched the little hand

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

How did the hipster burn his hand?

He was into lightbulbs before they were cool.

Animal Jokes More Animal Jokes

What do you call a model flying an airplane full of animals?

Zoolander

What animal will you always see at a resturant?

A DINE-O-SAUR. I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.

Octopus Jokes More Octopus Jokes

Why couldn't the octopus stop laughing?

Because it had ten tickles

What do you get when cross a black man and a octopus?

I don't know but I'm sure he could pick the hell out of some cotton.

Idea Jokes More Idea Jokes

What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

Why was the lightbulb invented?

Somebody had an idea.

Respect Jokes More Respect Jokes

How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it." Tips fedora

Why in the hell do you have so much respect but I don't?

Cat: "You 'bow' while me 'owe'."