How can you tell if your wife left you?

You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

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Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone.

Start Jokes More Start Jokes

What do you call it when two bottles of lotion start dating?

A re-lotion-ship.

When are YOU going to start having kids?

Me: When are you going to stop

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

What was left in the bathroom on the starship Enterprise?

The Captain's Log.

Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter?

He'll be Snowden.

Lay Jokes More Lay Jokes

How can working with cow hide act in your favor on a first date?

As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.

What do you call a dog with a stain on his fur?

Spot. What do you call a dog who lays on a golf course Ruff. What do you call a dog who just got run over Rhody.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.

How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do with most of his time?

Stay up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

Dish Jokes More Dish Jokes

What kind of dish does LeBron like?

anything with curry in it.

What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus?

I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.

Pile Jokes More Pile Jokes

What's the difference between me and a pile of bricks?

The bricks will get laid.

What do you call a pile of dogs?

A ruff terrain.