News Jokes

What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

Getting the news from your dentist

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Whats the difference between news of the US elections and Madeleine McCann?

News of the elections is getting old.

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common?

They both made the news for not being straight.

How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err...

Where does a redditor get most of his news from?

The Hydraulic Press

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed?

Does any of this really matter...

Did you hear the news?

FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

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Adopt Jokes More Adopt Jokes

What do you call an adopted ghost?

Transparent

Why did the cowboy adopt a Weiner dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggy

Newsfeed Jokes More Newsfeed Jokes

How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

11. 1 to change the lightbulb & 10 to take 200 photos of it & clog my newsfeed.

What do "fake news" and isis have in common?

They're blowing up everyone's newsfeed

Bad News Bear Jokes More Bad News Bear Jokes

What do you call a polar bear who works for Fox News?

A bad news bear

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

Doc Jokes More Doc Jokes

How bad is it, doc?

Well, you'll never run again" So basically the same

What's Up Doc?

by Howie Dewin

Bear Jokes More Bear Jokes

Where were you born?

Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.

What do you call a bee that was born in the USA?

USB

Polar Bear Jokes More Polar Bear Jokes

What is the difference between a polar bear and the World Series?

One has cubs

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

Break Jokes More Break Jokes

What did the mother of the guy who broke his arms say at the beginning of every 'session'?

ssh bby is ok

What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?

Haram Bay

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

How do you know the devil is white?

Because he owns hell, he doesn't work for hell.

What did the raisin see when she came home early from work?

Her husband on a date.