Bad News Jokes

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

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What's the worst news for a NASCAR driver before a race?

The track is alright."

Why can't you give bad news to someone on the Moon?

It lacks gravity.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

How's my cat, Doc?

Vet: I have good news and bad news..

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

Why was the racehorse named Bad News?

Because bad news travels fast!

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What's the similarity between your zero-exercise lifestyle and a professional weight-lifter competing in the Olympics?

They both involve muscles and they both result in a-trophy.

Who is the brother of Juan Luna?

Edi si AnTWOnio Luna. Yeah yeah, the result of being stuck in the traffic. XD

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What did Simon's dad, Paul, say to his son to encourage him just before he went to compete in the National Leg Breaking Championships?

Have a good one, son."

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?

Paul gas coin!

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What is the difference between a feminist and a machist?

The second lacks the hypocrisy of the first.

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

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Why did the reporter only dunk chips in the middle of the dip?

He just wanted the inside scoop.

Why did the black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.

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What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

What's white & falls from the sky?

The coming of the Lord." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.

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What do you call a cat with 3 legs?

A handicat

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain.

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What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

What do you call a polar bear who works for Fox News?

A bad news bear

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What's worse than a polar bear?

A bi-polar bear.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.