Replace Jokes

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

Why was the mechanic sad he had to replace a wheel bearing?

It was da-press-in.

What happened to the guy who replaced his laxatives with Prozac?

He didn't give a sh...

What did the bird say when he flew over K-Mart?

Caw Caw why'd my natural habitat get replaced with 165 000 square feet of consumerist wasteland lol

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a serviceable part of a complex machine?

Just Juan and Emmanuel.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?

Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.

What's really important to a bat when they are looking for a new home?

Echo-location, location, location (Replace "bat" with "zubat" if you wish.)

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

How do you always keep your shoes tied?

Replace the laces with earphones.

What did the tv get for Christmas?

Replaced

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.

How do you keep a ghoul from biting his nails?

A: Replace the nails with screws.

How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb?

None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a light bulb?

Juan

What did the Imam say after he was replaced by immigrants?

They took my hijab!

How many mexicans does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Juan.

Why doesn't Jesus like M&amp?

Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.

How about an office party?

ME: crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies" I guess

What replaces Steam, the gaming platform, in China?

Pollution.

Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments?

Idk, accordion to research I guess.

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

What's the problem with your marriage?

WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb?

None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.

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Bird Jokes More Bird Jokes

Why did the bird go to the restaurant?

Tweet!

What kind of bird works on a construction site?

A Crane.

Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts

Who's the most popular guy in the hospital?

The Ultra Sound guy. Who is it when he's not there? The Hip Replacement guy.

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

Why does it take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb?

Because, they're so darn stupid!

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Religion Jokes More Religion Jokes

What religion do ghosts practice?

Boo-ddhism

What do you call a man with no religion?

Godfrey

Feminist Jokes More Feminist Jokes

Why are feminists so good at Street Fighter V?

Because they are always V-triggered

Which vitamine are feminists missing?

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

What happens when you spike Hawaiian Punch?

It gets a lil' kick. :)

What happened to the body builder ...whose favorite gym closed down?

He was depressed.

Place Jokes More Place Jokes

What places have the least racial tensions?

Bakeries, there are brownies and crackers there and yet they never fight.

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

Hold Jokes More Hold Jokes

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

Why did the belt get arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants. I'll show myself out.