Vodka Jokes

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

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How do you get 30 drunk Russians out of the pool?

Put 30 crates of vodka near the pool

Why didn't JFK ever like vodka?

Because he couldn't handle a few shots

What's the Russian word for water?

Vodka

What would happen if Russia ran out of vodka?

Well, my dear reddit, in nature there is law of conservation of matter. Therefore, if the vodka disappeared somewhere, it would appear somewhere else. And then there would be Russia.

What brand of vodka does a Canadian drink?

Grey Moose

What is the difference between homeless and vodka?

Vodka does not freeze

What do you call an Arnold Palmer with vodka?

A John Daly

What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?

Stop "Russian"

What's the big deal about jesus turning water into wine?

I turned MY student loans into vodka...

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

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Why don't the jedi drink vodka?

Because only the Sith deal in absolut

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How many Chiropractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but they'll take 30 visits to do it.

What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

Appear Jokes More Appear Jokes

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist?

A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.

How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?

By appearing in television spooktaculars.

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

What's small, gray, and came in little cans?

Michael Jackson.

How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?

It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.

Like Jokes More Like Jokes

What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman?

He invited her over to net fish and krill.

Which punchline do you like better?

What do you call a nun that sleep-walks a) A Roamin' Catholic b) An unconscious habit

Matter Jokes More Matter Jokes

What's the difference between matter and a hormone?

You can't make matter.

What do David Carradine and the Mets have in common?

They both choke when it really matters.

Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard?

Nothing, he's Snowden.

What did russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

Law Jokes More Law Jokes

What's worse than your mother-in-law?

My mother-in-law.

What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand?

not enough sand.

Big Deal Jokes More Big Deal Jokes

How many Hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

it's this really obscure number. You've probably never even heard of it. No big deal.

What's the big deal?

It's not like I did it on porpoise!