Emergency Jokes

What does an helicopter and pants have in common?

They both moust go down in emergency.

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What's your emergency?

Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Whats ur emergency?

OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- "-of my sons mouth."

Why is mustard good to have in case of an emergency?

It's always prepared.

What is your emergency?

Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.

Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking

What's ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot Goldfish 911: Forgot what Goldfish: WHO IS THIS Goldfish 911: I DON'T KNOW

When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency?

When the chips are down!

What do chefs do when they are cooking in an emergency?

They take drastic measures.

Which positions does a violist use?

A: First third and emergency.

What's the emergency?

How long before the rice is ready "

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Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

Why do women and children evacuate first in an emergency?

So the men can go on Reddit and repost this joke.

What's your emergency, sir?

Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being- 911: Please don't do this, sir M: AbDUCKted! 911: *hangs up*

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Roof Jokes More Roof Jokes

How does a Range Rover Evoque look after landing on it's roof?

Exactly the same.

Why is it worse this time around?

Thermal cameras mean I can't save anyone by hiding them in my roof.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?

Because I couldn't find a fake car."

How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

Ask them to pronounce 'unionized.'

Continue Jokes More Continue Jokes

What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?

George Lucas.

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

Mean Jokes More Mean Jokes

What'd you have for breakfast?

Me: A bowl of Oreos. CW: Lol you mean Cherrios Me: No.

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?

You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry

Begin Jokes More Begin Jokes

When does feminism end?

When Islam begins.

What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life?

Smallpox

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

How much for 2 children?

She replied, "$9.50." "Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip "

What's he like?

asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."

Swat Jokes More Swat Jokes

What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?

Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Why would Keemstar make a good NFL cornerback?

He's really good at swatting.

Pant Jokes More Pant Jokes

What do I have?

Someone else's pants.

When does a Smurf pull his pants down?

Once in a blue moon.