Stab Jokes

What do my brother and Julius Caesar have in common?

They both hate been stabbed

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What do you say to Jennifer Anniston after she has been stabbed?

So noone told you knife was gonna be this way?

What do you call it when you stab a vampire in the lungs?

A miss stake

Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

To see if he was done cooking.

What celebrity is most likely to stab you?

James Blunt

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument?

Good point

Why does it take 10 women with premenstrual tension to change a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES, OK JERK !!!! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE SCISSORS!

Why did Beethoven hate Mozart?

Because Mozart stabbed him in the Bach.

How was the beach?

You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident?

Is it possible to stab someone non-violently

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How did you get malaria from a stab?

Malaryan Steel."

Where were u on the night of the 3rd?

Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape " Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

How are you doing?

and you respond 'I'm doing ok. Getting better each day' & they stab you for answering

What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?

An erection and a place to put it.

What do you call a black guy who was stabbed by a Mexican?

An ambulance.

Why is he bleeding "Because you stabbed him?

FAIL "Because he doesn't floss" CORRECT!

Where were u on the nite of the 5th?

Stabbing a guy. "Louder for the tape." leans in Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

What do you get when you stab a toddler with a pair of scissors?

An erection.

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Light Bulb Jokes More Light Bulb Jokes

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten: one to screw it in and nine to say, "Pssh, I can do that."

How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.

Turtle Jokes More Turtle Jokes

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?

A. Wheeeee!!!!!

Stupid Question Jokes More Stupid Question Jokes

How was the beach?

You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking

Vampire Jokes More Vampire Jokes

Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King?

He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.

How can you tell when a vampire is sick?

By his coffin!

Medium Jokes More Medium Jokes

Why did Amy Schumer go to a psychic?

Because it's the only way she'll ever get near a medium.

How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn't even try it on. Psychic: I'm a medium.

Wrap Jokes More Wrap Jokes

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He didn't wrap his Whopper

How do you make a cat bark?

Wrap it around a tree

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How can you tell if your wife left you?

You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?

An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !

U. Jokes More U. Jokes

What position do u play?

ME: I'm a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

What u doing later?

Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.