Stab Jokes

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What do my brother and Julius Caesar have in common?

They both hate been stabbed

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What do you say to Jennifer Anniston after she has been stabbed?

So noone told you knife was gonna be this way?

What do you call it when you stab a vampire in the lungs?

A miss stake

Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

To see if he was done cooking.

What celebrity is most likely to stab you?

James Blunt

Why do Lannisters hate turtles?

Cause they can't stab them in the back

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument?

Good point

Why does it take 10 women with premenstrual tension to change a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES, OK JERK !!!! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE SCISSORS!

Why did Beethoven hate Mozart?

Because Mozart stabbed him in the Bach.

How was the beach?

You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident?

Is it possible to stab someone non-violently

How did you get malaria from a stab?

Malaryan Steel."

Where were u on the night of the 3rd?

Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape " Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

How are you doing?

and you respond 'I'm doing ok. Getting better each day' & they stab you for answering

What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?

An erection and a place to put it.

What do you call a black guy who was stabbed by a Mexican?

An ambulance.

Why is he bleeding "Because you stabbed him?

FAIL "Because he doesn't floss" CORRECT!

Where were u on the nite of the 5th?

Stabbing a guy. "Louder for the tape." leans in Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

What do you get when you stab a toddler with a pair of scissors?

An erection.

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Turtle Jokes More Turtle Jokes

What's green and has four wheels?

A turtle. I was lying about the wheels

How did the turtle with no arms and no legs cross the freeway?

Here's a hint: take the F out of Free and take the F out of Way

Scissor Jokes More Scissor Jokes

What do you call an innovation in scissors?

Cutting-edge technology

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

Premenstrual Tension Jokes More Premenstrual Tension Jokes

Why does it take 10 women with premenstrual tension to change a light bulb?

IT JUST DOES, OK JERK !!!! NOW SHUT UP OR I WILL STAB YOU WITH THE SCISSORS!

Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE?

One's mad cow disease the other's an agricultural problem.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What did the mother ghost tell the kid ghost when he went out to play?

Don't get your sheets dirty!"

How do you tell if Lady Gaga is dead?

You poker face!

Bach Jokes More Bach Jokes

What's a tree's favourite composer called?

Bach

Why did Mozart hate chickens?

Because they all they ever say is Bach! Bach! Bach!

Chef Jokes More Chef Jokes

What did the chef say when he was skipped in rotation?

Hey that's my toque!!

Who made this Christmas pudding?

Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.

Julius Caesar Jokes More Julius Caesar Jokes

What was the most privileged region conquered by Julius Caesar?

Cis-Alpine Gaul.

What did Jennifer Lawrence say to Julius Caesar?

May the Ides be ever in your favor."

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"

What does the doctor say to the woman who has to get a c section?

There's not enough womb!