Alcoholic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

because they never drink alone.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic?

Whine.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do a pirate wench and an alcoholic have in common?

They've both got a little Captain in them.

What do you call an alcoholic with Parkinson's?

Shakespeare (say it out loud)

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic?

I forget

What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

A leave of Absinthe.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

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What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac?

One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman?

An alcoholic with a drinking problem

What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries?

Drunken Donuts

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Catholic Jokes More Catholic Jokes

How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?

By sending in millions of Muslims

What did the Catholic baker say after baking the Easter Eucharist?

He is risen.

Drink Jokes More Drink Jokes

What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint?

Catholic

Why does Bernie Sanders only drink skim milk?

He can't stand the 1%

Hug Jokes More Hug Jokes

What rhymes with "hug me"?

Chutney.

How many professional soccer players does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change the bulb, and five to hug and kiss him.

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

What do you call a guy who works out regularly?

Jim.

What do you call black men working while white men watch?

Slav-The NBA

Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

What did the bartender say to the gold when the gold walked into a bar?

AU, get outta here!"

How did the octopus lovers walk down the road?

Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.

Stumble Jokes More Stumble Jokes

What do you call a theft by a stumbling person?

A lumberjack.

Why did Mr. T reject Socialism?

Because he stumbled across a quote by Karl Marx which said: "All you have to lose is your chains."

God Jokes More God Jokes

What do we say to the god of procrastination?

Not today.

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

Guarantee Jokes More Guarantee Jokes

What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas?

Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.