Damn Jokes

What did the beaver say when he fell in water?

Dam it.

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What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

What makes fish smell?

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes "Damn!" A bad skydiver goes "Damn!"

What's the difference between a bad golfer, and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes " Damn!" The skydiver goes "Damn! "

What's a Jackhammer's Best Friend?

Cast Steel! Bahahahahah! You know! Cause it has a poor dampening value it vibrates so much! They um. They both vibrate. Well ok. One vibrates, the other reciprocates. That's kinda... Hehe. Heh. Reciprocate my humor damn it!

How bad is it, Doctor?

Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot

What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog?

Out, out, damned Spot!

What did Einstein's dad say when he published his theory of relativity?

Damn, son. It's about time!

How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

When one gun says to the other, "Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?

the second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."

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What did Shakespeare say when his dog messed up the carpet?

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"*

Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay?

Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"

Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?

Me: Maybe you're pregnant Wife: What's wrong with you *damn you webMD, damn you.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

LONG) Damn.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

The bad golfer goes ::Whack:: "Damn it!" The bad sky diver goes "Damn it!" ::Whack::

What did the person say when a flood struck his house?

Damn it!

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

Where do we go?

Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

Well I'll be damned!

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Road Jokes More Road Jokes

Why did my wife cross the road?

To go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago.

How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road?

It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!

Pregnant Wife Jokes More Pregnant Wife Jokes

What's the most common activity people do while wearing safety vests?

Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'