Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!"

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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What did the plant say to the runaway melons in love?

You cantelope!

What happens when a plant is sad?

The other plants have to photosympathize with it

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Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics?

All that backstabbing was too much for him.

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What about your mom?

No, no. Dad wouldn't allow that."

Why did the dad say the joke instead of act it out?

Because it was cheesier said than done.

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What did the sphinx say?

What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme Egypt me!

How did the Egyptian go broke?

He got caught up in a pyramid scheme.

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What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?

Well, that's the edamame.

What were the last words Jimi Hendrix said before he died?

S'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...*

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What does he have now?

Diabetes. Bob has diabetes.

What does Bob the spider do for a living?

He's a web developer.

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What's black and does not work?

Decaf Coffee

Why is Facebook such a hit?

It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.

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How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin?

They use a Milwaukee-Talkie

How can you tell that truckers like nuts?

They always have pecans! (Read aloud)