Excuse Jokes

Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

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How long is a china-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.

What excuse did the unemployed cellist give for going dutch with his date?

He's flat Baroque...

What did the poop said to the other poop?

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

What does the window do when the sun shines on it?

It gets Blinded I excuse myself out.

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What do you call a Russian ninja?

Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

What would you like?

ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

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How do you hit those high notes?

Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?

Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.

Why should I excuse your dear aunt Sally?

Her operations were not unprecedented.

How do you find a white person in the condiment aisle?

A: UM EXCUSE YOU THAT'S RACIST!!!!----oh look, there they are!

Which perfume do you use ?

It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Jehovah's Witness?

knock knock knock... excuse me sir, but do you have a few minutes to discuss nothing

What did the pony say after he coughed?

Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse."

Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

Why does the KKK like christmas?

Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

He was just stalin for time

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

You might also enjoy:

Garden Jokes More Garden Jokes

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

It made him wed his plants!

What is a dogs favourite flower ?

Anything in your garden !

Push Jokes More Push Jokes

Why did the blind women fall into a well?

Someone pushed her

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

Gourmet Jokes More Gourmet Jokes

Why was the gourmet upset when he saw the menu?

The prices were gastronomical... (I'll show myself out...)

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

Dinner Table Jokes More Dinner Table Jokes

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What disease causes people to swear at the dinner table?

Gilles de la gourmette

Sun Jokes More Sun Jokes

Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done?

Gingers just don't last in the sun.

How does the sun cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Fact Jokes More Fact Jokes

How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?

We just report the facts we don't change them."

How long is a china-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

What key do you need to open a banana?

A monkey

Why did Napoleon return from exile?

He needed more Elba room.

Good Time Jokes More Good Time Jokes

What's the integral of 2x with the limits from 10 to 13?

A good time )

When's the best time to see an optometrist?

When you can't.