Need Jokes

A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.

How many nuclear war survivors does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. People who glow in the dark don't need lightbulbs.

Why do you need to take notes during jokes?

Joke was supposed to be this: Why do you need to take notes during church? because the peoples of noah's day, "took no note".

How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?

Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

Why don't women need umbrellas?

Because it doesn't rain in the kitchen.

Why were the pirates on the ship fighting?

They needed better anchor management.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he needed his space.

How many redditors are needed to screw a lightbulb?

As much people as is needed to screw that lightbulb.

How many Mexicans are needed to change a light bulb?

Juan.

What's the difference between LSD and my dad?

LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

Why did the blonde freeze a pot of boiling water?

Because you never know when you're going to need some boiling water.

How many dead babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them

Why are nuns like a brand new TV?

You need a knife to get in the box.

What sort file do you you need to turn a 1.5 inch hole into a 4.5 inch one?

A pedo-file.

What does the unemployed starving man ask his rich baker friend?

I just need some bread

Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation?

He needed some time to himself to decompose.

How do you make pickle bread?

You need dill dough.

How long do black women need to bring the garbage out?

About 9 month.

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

Why can't women explain feminism to men?

Because they need a man to do it for them

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Need to know ASAP.

How many plates do you need to draw a picture?

Tenplates

When do we need airplane noises?

NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW

What did the A/C unit say when it suddenly turned on?

Sorry, I just needed to vent"

How does an ugly guy get the girl?

All he needs is game

What did the poplar tree say to the weeping willow?

Hey pal, you just need to branch out more.

How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?

None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.

Why did the developers have to delay their pirate game?

They needed to give their characters an eye-patch.

Why are Twilight fans obsessed with it?

Because they need a fandom that won't make them feel like trash.

What is the difference between a painting and jesus?

A painting only need one nail to hang

What's a junkie's favorite videogame?

Need for Speed.

Why did the math student fail his exam?

He needed to sketch the sine and cuisine graphs but only knew how to do cos(-x)

What did the poop said to the other poop?

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

Why is it NASA has never sent a woman to the moon?

It don't need cleaning!

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

Why did Satan need life alert?

Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.

Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?

Because you need to be 21 to get in.

What happens when a feminist and a sociopath date?

I need a punchline for a joke.....What happens when a feminist and a sociopath date? OK GO!

What do you call the kids claiming "We don't need no education"?

Comfortably Dumb

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't need to, they glow in the dark...

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What do diapers and politicians have in common?

They both need to be changed after a while for the same reason

What did the perverted scientist say to his colleague?

If you need me, I'll be in my Lab.

What's your emergency?

Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

What did the vowel say when it had to go to the bathroom?

I need to do a vowel movement!

How do you win the vegetable race?

You need to get ahead of lettuce

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

How many French people need to defend Paris?

It isn't known, never tried.

Why don't you see many chemists with master's degrees working with acids and bases?

To really understand acids and bases, you need a pHd.

Why did David Schwimmer need ear drops?

He had Schwimmer's ear.

What's the difference between a white girl who likes to tan and a burger?

They both need to be flipped every 10 mins, but only one turns pink when its done.

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

What did the pirate say when he turned 81?

Nothing, as he didn't exist. The probability of anyone in that demographic reaching their eighties is particularly low, and an active pirate being eighty one years of age is further rendered a statistical impossibility given that a pirate would need to be above a certain threshold in terms of physical ability.

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