Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

What do my dad and God have in common?

I've never seen or heard from either of them.

Spot Jokes More Spot Jokes

How to spot an idiot at the gym?

They put a water bottle where the Pringles go.

How do you spot a dwarf in a drugstore?

He's the smallest one

Fix Jokes More Fix Jokes

What does FIAT stand for?

Fix It Again Tony

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

Second Jokes More Second Jokes

How long does a dog's bark last?

ly a second.

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

Where does the Empire buy their robes?

The Darth Mall!

Fly Jokes More Fly Jokes

What did the fly say to the second man on the moon?

Buzz.....

Why was the pilot flying circles over South Korea?

He was Seoul searching.

Nut Jokes More Nut Jokes

What did one nut say to the other?

Nut-thing! ....I'll see myself out.

What do you call a guy with no nuts and a horn on his head?

A eunucorn.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between an angler and a dunce?

One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.

What's the difference between HP computers and HP in a video game?

One of them you want to see a lot less of.