Bible Jokes

What do you call a short priest reaching for his bible that's on the top shelf?

Christina Ricci.

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How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

What is Bill and Ted's favorite book of the bible?

Duderonomy! They also like Leviticus.

Why do feminist hate the bible?

Because it ends with A-men

How do you starve a right wing christian?

Hide their money in their bible.

Why did the bible cross the street?

To get to the other genocide.

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

What was the first mention of soccer in the bible?

When Jesus went up for the cross.

What's the difference between a cow and The Bible?

You can't milk a cow for 2,000 years.

What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible?

When Jesus cleared the temple.

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Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

What's the first sign of football in the bible?

Jesus going up for the cross!

What's long and thick and turns conservative women on?

The Bible

What's the difference between a psychotic mental patient and a man with a bible in his hand?

Respiridol

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

Because it's a Nietzsche Market.

How do you keep an idiot busy for 3500 years?

Give them a bible

Who is the richest person in the Bible?

The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.

Why did the macaroni cross the street with a bible?

Because it's a pastor )

Who was the best actor in the bible ?

Samson he brought the house down !

What's the best fantasy book?

A bible

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

Who were the shortest people in the Bible?

Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver andgold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that.

Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?

The Book of Job.

What Bible verse keeps every student going?

Lunch 11:35.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

How much would you say you read the Bible?

Well, I don't read it religiously." Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?

A: Where Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible ?

The characters in this book are entirely fictional.

Where do you find the Bible in a library?

Fiction".

What do you call a burning Bible?

Holy smokes.

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL?

Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.

What is the most successful spinoff ever made?

The Bible

Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

How accurate is the Bible?

100% at short range

What do you call a Bible for the blind?

The Holy Braille!

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What do you call a starving artist from 17th Century England?

baroque

Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

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What is the only man made object visible from space?

Holland.

How do your pants fit?

The man responded, "Like a glove".

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Who was the worlds first capenter?

Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.

Who was the first carpenter?

Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.

Writer Jokes More Writer Jokes

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What's the difference between a park bench and a writer?

A park bench can support a family.

Bill Jokes More Bill Jokes

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?

Put it on my bill

Why did Timmy fall off his bike?

Because Bill threw a mattress at him.

Cross Jokes More Cross Jokes

Why did the chicken cross my wife?

Because I ran her over in the street.

What do you get when you cross a tiger and a chicken?

Just the tiger

Hide Jokes More Hide Jokes

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

Hide the ball it drives them nuts!

Where's the best place to hide a body in texas?

Oops. Wrong subreddit!

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

What would be your reply?

Someone stops you in the middle of the road and asks you to tell him a good joke, What would be your reply?

What's with those clogs you keep wearing?

I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."