Help Jokes

What do you call the international program that helps clowns with their personal space problems?

Clowns Without Borders.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser's floating fortress?

Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?

He didn't want to taco 'bout it

What is the deadliest bear?

Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.

Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots.

What'd you do?

PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You ME: I talked to like 4 people.

Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?

Paula Ab-doula

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

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What's your answer?

whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people

What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

Pls help.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

How do you know it was an Irishman?

because I had to help him....."

Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

Why did the TSA hire a dentist?

to help with the cavity searches

What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school ?

The deputy head !

How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute?

i'm serious... help.

When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend?

A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!

What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?

Pick up lines

Why didn't Cathy keep the extra dollar of change at Chick-fil-a?

Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

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Dollar Bill Jokes More Dollar Bill Jokes

What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill?

It bucked!

What is about 6 in long, has a head, girls love to blow it, and is in a guys pants?

a dollar bill you dirty minded people!! LMFAO

Fonz Jokes More Fonz Jokes

Why did the Fonz have red eyes?

Because he had fever!

What type of battery does The Fonz use?

AAAA

Beverage Jokes More Beverage Jokes

What drink is better than average?

A beverage.

What beverage should you give someone who is publicly intoxicated?

penal tea edit: to someone

Dollar Jokes More Dollar Jokes

What the hell did you expect for ten dollars?

Lobster "

What's that?

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* "WTH! !"

Student Jokes More Student Jokes

What is an independent variable?

Student: A variable who don't need no man

What did the dance instructor say to her student when the student wanted to use her bathroom?

Skip to my loo.

Bang Jokes More Bang Jokes

How did Charlie Sheen contract HIV?

By banging 7-gram rocks.

What do you get when you cross a drunk woman with a tactical grenade?

Flash-banged. )

Hero Jokes More Hero Jokes

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his hoagie off a bridge?

There goes my Hero.

What did Dave Grohl say when he accidentally dropped his sandwich?

There goes my hero"

Psychiatrist Jokes More Psychiatrist Jokes

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?

He charges you double.