Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

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What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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Help Jokes More Help Jokes

What's the difference between organized crime and the government?

Only one of them is organized. Couldn't help but post this. Went to see a former mafia boss today, and that joke was told leading up to him speaking.

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

Metaphor Jokes More Metaphor Jokes

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

When is a 2 literally a 6?

When it has metaphor.

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

What's a hillbillies favorite holiday? Halloween.... Do you want to know why?

Because they like to pump kin.

Run Jokes More Run Jokes

How did Harry potter get down the mountain?

Running... JK rolling

Why shouldn't you use red, white, and blue paint in a watercolor?

Because these colors don't run

Person Shoe Jokes More Person Shoe Jokes

What does an empathetic kleptomaniac do in an argument?

He puts himself in the other person's shoes and then walks away.

What's the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician?

The extrovert looks at the other person's shoes.

Sarcasm Jokes More Sarcasm Jokes

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

Pun Jokes More Pun Jokes

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

What's pun plus pun?

Poo

Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

Why do they call it the Xbox360?

Because when you see it, you turn 360 degrees and walk away.

Why did the junkie walk into the pet store?

To buy some quack croakaine!