Crap Jokes

What did the fisherman say to the sewage management person?

Would you pull that crap with a net?

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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes "Whack, crap!", and a skydiver goes " Crap, whack!".

What's so meta that you almost crap your pants?

Metamucil

Why is Coolio always able to play craps?

He's got a gangsta's pair a dice.

What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?

Carpet bombing.

What do you call it when Superman craps his pants?

Undy-terd.

What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

What does a bad salesman and a toilet have in common?

They are both full of crap.

How long does it take for a White woman to take a crap?

9 Months.

Why don't asians like to applause?

Because every time they do all they do is crap

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What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

Why do happy Asians always have dirty hands?

If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands."

What the difference between the U.S. Government and a bucket of crap?

The bucket

What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.

Why are constipated people so rude?

They don't give a crap

What do you get when a ghost takes a crap?

Rectoplasm.

What would a diatomic Calcium molecule look like if existed?

Like Crap or Feces (its the same) WHY Because its Ca=Ca (equal sign is a double bond)

What'd you do this weekend?

I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino " *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?

A farte

When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

Why did the baker's hands stink?

Because he needed a crap.

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Carpet Jokes More Carpet Jokes

Why when you spill red wine on a carpet do you take the stain out with white wine?

Because more alcohol is the solution to all problems.

What STD is found most commonly among lesbians?

Carpet burn

Politician Jokes More Politician Jokes

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.

How do you know when a politician is lying?

Their mouth is moving.

Dad Jokes More Dad Jokes

When he grow up, he will ask me, "Dad, did you name me after a planet?

And i will be like, "No:("

What will you have sir?

Bear: "Gin............ and tonic." Bartender: "Why the big pause " Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."

Like Jokes More Like Jokes

Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?

Because nobody liked it on earth.

What would you like for your last meal?

Woman: "I don't know, what do you want "

Rug Jokes More Rug Jokes

What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?

Carpet bombing.

What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?

Rugs and kisses!

Toilet Jokes More Toilet Jokes

What does Neil Patrick Harris call his toilet?

His Dookie Houser

Why can't you tell when a Pteradactyl goes to the toilet?

Because the P is silent.

Whack Jokes More Whack Jokes

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

The bad golfer goes ::Whack:: "Damn it!" The bad sky diver goes "Damn it!" ::Whack::

Pull Jokes More Pull Jokes

How does a black women tell she is pregnant?

When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone