United States Jokes

What President of the United States smells the worst?

The-Odor-e Roosevelt.

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Who get saved?

The United States of America

What's the difference between the United States and some yoghurt?

After 200 years, the Yoghurt develops a culture.

What's the United States favorite brand of shortening?

San Fran Crisco

What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt?

That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community. Haha, happy late 4th of July.

Why should we elect Gabe Newell as President of the United States?

So there won't be a World War III.

What's better than being the first Black President of the United States?

Being the 45th white one.

What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom?

The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.

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What town in the continental United States produces the most alligator pears per year?

Avo, CA does.

Who is faster... Speedy Gonzales or Road Runner?

It depends on how close they are to the Mexico-United States border.

Why doesn't the United States have to worry about a North Korean nuclear missile attack?

we have the Iron Giant

Who served as the 45th Vice President of the United States?

Warning: Gore

What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference?

You probably won't get it.

Why is the United States always in political disarray?

It's a nation without a litre.

What is the capital of the United States?

Half of what it was last week

What do you call a lazy immigrant ?

A United States citizen

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common?

Nothing! Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.

Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first?

Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

What is similar between Spain, Ireland, and the United States?

Their economies falter after a popping of a housing bubble.

Why hasn't Mexico won any medals in the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans who can swim well, jump high and run fast are in the United States.

What's The Difference Between Santa and a Muslim?

Santa will be able to enter the united states next year!

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the United States?

Because in America, freedom rings.

Who was the 45th Vice President of the United States?

Warning: Gore

Why isn't there any knock knock jokes about the United States?

Because freedom doesn't knock. It rings.

What's a black person of the United States called?

A frickin' American. What'd you expect, something racist

Why didn't Russia return the NSA whistleblower to the United States?

He was Snowden.

How much money does the Treasurer of the United States make?

All of it.

How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French?

It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States

How long does a United States Congressman serve?

ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

What even is that?

United States: Lol, we made it up.

Why is there a 100,000 oil limit in World of Warcraft Garrisons?

Because anything more than that might cause an invasion by the United States of America!

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Olympic Jokes More Olympic Jokes

Why does Mexico do so badly in the Olympics ?

Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is in the US.

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

Run Jokes More Run Jokes

Why is Hillary running for President?

Because it's easier than running from the law.

Why did the chicken run around screaming?

Because he had to use the bathroom.

Mexican Jokes More Mexican Jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan (This probably has been posted earlier but is still funny )

What do you call 2 Mexicans in a boat with a case of beer?

A pinat

Swim Jokes More Swim Jokes

Why do hippies like to swim way offshore?

Cause it's far out, man

Why hasn't Mexico won any medals in the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans who can swim well, jump high and run fast are in the United States.

Pay Jokes More Pay Jokes

Why do women live longer than men?

Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Whats the least paying job?

British dentist.

Community Jokes More Community Jokes

What do you call an Optomitrist who is very highly thought of in his community?

Respectacle

What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt?

That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community. Haha, happy late 4th of July.

Smell Jokes More Smell Jokes

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts

What do you call an athlete that smells good?

D. O. Durant

Culture Jokes More Culture Jokes

What's the difference between bacteria and rednecks?

When looking at bacteria you can actually find some culture.

What's the difference between white people and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will finally develop its own cultures