Bernie Sanders Jokes

What does a retired Olympic sprinter have in common with Bernie Sanders?

He quit running.

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What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a coconut?

Coconuts have hair

How do you know all Bernie Sanders' supporters are Harry Potter fans?

They all dress like Dobby.

What did Bernie Madoff say to Bernie Sanders?

I'll take your money!

Why isn't Bernie Sanders campaigning in OKC?

They're both eliminated and finished second in their conference.

What do you call an old man whose retarded?

Bernie Sanders!!

Why did Bernie Sanders cross the road?

He didn't, he was distributed evenly on both sides. Bernie supporters, please don't downvote me to hell, it's just a joke

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their parents?

roommates

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

Why is Bernie Sanders seems like having a long nose?

because AIR IS FREE

Why can't Bernie Sanders win the election?

Because 12 year olds can't vote. Edit: I'm actually somewhat of a Bernie supporter, I'm just joking about how he has a lot of youth backing him.

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Why did Bernie Sanders's chicken restaurant throw out so much food?

He only sold left wings.

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism.

How do you know if a redditor gave money to Bernie Sanders?

Just wait 5 minutes. They'll post about it.

What would you call the easter egg roll if Bernie Sanders became president?

Weekend at Bernie's.

Why won't Bernie Sanders win the rational election?

Because he's two radical.

What is Bernie Sanders' LEAST favorite band?

SWV (sisters with voices)

What do you call a well read/researched Bernie Sanders supporter?

Not a Bernie Sanders supporter.

How do you know Bernie Sanders got elected?

All your stuff has been donated to charity

What do you call a fire on the beach?

Bernie Sanders

What do you call sandpaper on fire?

Bernie Sanders

What is the difference between a magician and Bernie Sanders?

The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance

Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?

Because only the top 1% can stay above water.

What type of milk does Bernie Sanders drink?

Whole milk because he cares about all the milk and not just the top 1% milk!

What's Bernie Sanders favorite Christmas Carols?

deck the halls with boughs of free cash

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom &amp Dad

Why won't the holocaust survivor vote for Bernie Sanders?

He doesn't want to feel the Bern.

Which insurance company does Bernie Sanders use?

Progressive.

Why does Bernie Sanders use Snapchat?

Damn E-mails!

Why does Bernie Sanders only drink skim milk?

He can't stand the 1%

Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

What the difference between Bernie Sanders and a piece of fruit?

Pieces of fruit actually get picked for something.

Why does Bernie Sanders support abortions?

Because even after he's blown his load he won't pull out.

What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a free lunch?

Bernie Sanders exists.

What do Bernie Sanders and the Statue of Liberty have in common?

Common people sent both of them pennies to help build a foundation for liberty.

Which is Bernie Sanders' dominant hand?

His left one

What do you call a capitalist Bernie Sanders?

Earning Sanders.

What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

What did Bernie Sanders say when he found a dead body at a Democratic Party meeting to select candidates and decide policy?

Oh god, a caucus!" cuz he has a new england accent

Why is Bernie Sanders' campaign like Jon Snow?

Game of Thrones spoilers) They're both "dead."

What do you call wood-smoothing equipment that's hot to the touch?

Bernie Sanders

Why did the two chickens cross the road?

To avoid debating Bernie Sanders

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How many Bernie supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to hold the lightbulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around them

How many Bernie supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to hold the lightbulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around them

Weekend Jokes More Weekend Jokes

Where do Muslims go on a weekend?

To Mecca Bingo.

What does the neckbeard say when asked what he did last weekend?

M'laundry."

President Jokes More President Jokes

Why can't Brock Turner go to jail?

Because with swim times like his, he might be president some day.

Why couldn't Arnold Schwarzenegger run for president?

Because he doesn't do cardio.

Win Jokes More Win Jokes

What do Leonardo DiCaprio &amp anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common?

Their odds of winning are the same

What does a Bills fan do when they win the superbowl?

He turns off his xbox.

12 Year Old Jokes More 12 Year Old Jokes

What is a better name for cows?

Lawn mooers! My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!

What do priests and zits have in common?

They bost bust on 12 year Olds faces

Harry Potter Jokes More Harry Potter Jokes

What does Harry Potter say after he purchases slaves?

I expect to Potter-own 'em.

Why are there a lot of problem gamblers in the Harry Potter universe?

Because they have a quidditch.

Hell Jokes More Hell Jokes

What do you get when cross a black man and a octopus?

I don't know but I'm sure he could pick the hell out of some cotton.

What's up with that horse?

sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today

Side Jokes More Side Jokes

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?

Intersect it with a plane.