Knife Jokes

How many Gordon Ramseys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, he lets the knives do the work

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What did the knife say to the potato?

Now I've got to cut you.

What's the different between a knife and a feminist?

A knife has a point

Why did I carve a heart with me and my boyfriends initials into a tree?

To sharpen the knife

What is the best way to cut a mango?

With a knife!

What do you say to Jennifer Anniston after she has been stabbed?

So noone told you knife was gonna be this way?

What is another name for a knife?

A chopstick!

Why are nuns like a brand new TV?

You need a knife to get in the box.

Whats the fastest way to a women's heart?

A Knife

Why did the chicken cross the road with a knife?

Because it saw Lena Dunham on the other side.

Why does a redneck hold a knife while driving?

So he can cut corners.

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What did the knife say to the pretty lady?

Nothing, she knew what was coming...

What the quickest way to a mans heart?

Though his chest with a knife

What did the cake say to the knife?

You want a piece of me !

What's with the knives?

Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin

What's the most useless thing about a knife?

The 'K'

How do you separate two blind people fighting?

You just simply shout: "I'm supporting the one with the knife!"

Why should you always carry a knife around?

Because sharp wits won't always give you the edge.

Why was the cutting board?

The knife was really dull

What's the fastest way to get to a woman's heart?

A knife.

What do you call the science of knives?

Cutting edge technology.

What makes you think this is steak?

While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

How'd you know?

P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good

Why did the knife quit?

It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! Skip

What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife?

Ceasar

What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

Why does a Belgian have a knife in his car?

To cut the corners!

What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?

An erection and a place to put it.

Why do you carry a knife?

Me: A sword is harder to hide.

What's 7 inches and makes women submissive?

A knife.

Why did the two knives go to the dance together?

Because they both looked sharp!

What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife?

Oh, you don't know I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly?

Knives

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What celebrity is most likely to stab you?

James Blunt

Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident?

Is it possible to stab someone non-violently

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Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

What is the definition of diplomacy?

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

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How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

Ask them if they play league.

How can you tell if a tornado is stupid?

If it spins anti-cyclonically

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What's the similarity between Bruce Jenner and a Pharaoh?

At some point they turned into Mummys

What's the different between a knife and a feminist?

A knife has a point

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What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

Why are so many Koreans named Park?

Because the ones named Drive all died in crashes.

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What's the healthiest sport a pregnant women can play?

Kick boxing

Why is Arjen Robben not being invited to Alfredo Di Stefanos funeral?

They're scared he'll try to dive in the box.

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How many mangoes make a dozen?

Six girls )

What is the best way to cut a mango?

With a knife!

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What's the first sign of football in the bible?

Jesus going up for the cross!

What do you call a cat that claims it's a lion crossed with a cougar?

A liar.