Santa Claus Jokes

He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

What does Santa Claus call his more thuggish elves?

Gangsta wrappers!

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho's.

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How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?

Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave little boys rooms with empty sacks.

What is Santa Claus' favorite metal band?

Sleigher

What's red and white and red, red and white and red and white?

Santa Claus rolling down a roof!

Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

He knows where all the bad girls live

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer?

Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.

What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?

The other one answers: -Oh fifty dollars, like everybody else, why

What is big and red and rolls over in the snow?

Santa Claus hit in the balls!

How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down?

He keeps a log

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.

How does Santa Claus take pictures?

With his North Pole-aroid.

What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?

Canta Plaus.

What does the bee Santa Claus say ?

Ho hum hum !

What is the difference... What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three hoes.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am?

It's your dad.

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

What type of wind is named after Santa Claus's warm climate cousin?

Santa Ana

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common?

You guessed it: we're all white.

What goes red and white, red and white, red and white?

Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly?

Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter?

Santa would never free an elf.

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

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Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

What's the difference between a shopping cart and a radical feminist?

A shopping cart will, on occasion, exhibit a mind of it's own

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How will you escape?

Dude: It's very simple, I will stop my imagination

What is the opposite of Imagination?

I have no idea.

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What's worse than finding a sack of spider eggs in your room?

Finding a sack of hatched spider eggs in your room

What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.

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What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 ho's.

Why is Santa Clause always so Jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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What religion is Santa?

He's egg-nog-stic

What does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

sleigh-er

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How did Jared lose 30 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend.

How did Jared lose 40lbs?

He dumped his girlfriend.

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Who the biggest Loser of them all?

Type this in on your search bar. LOSER.COM

What type of fruit is impossible to marry?

Cantaloupe

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What's the song that coldplay wrote for you?

Yellow. *Phil answers phone*

Why did they name themselves AC/DC?

Because that's the chord progression in all their songs.